The Stratford Tattler - A Tabloid of Shakespeare and His Times
by stratford tattler
Summary: Wouldn't it be fun if the paparazzi covered the likes of Romeo, Lady Macbeth, and all of Shakespeare's character's as if they were celebrities? This is a series of tabloid-style articles I am writing for the StratfordTattler project that tries to use fan fiction to make Shakespeare and his times fun and educational. Feedback is welcome! Please PM me if you want to join :)


**Laertes and Hamlet Brawl at Funeral – Ophelia in Heaven, Just Barely**

With Denmark abuzz over Laertes and Hamlet brawling at Ophelia's funeral, let's not forget: the funeral was for Ophelia. Did she make it into heaven? Well, considering how the funeral service went, a ride from a catapult would have been smoother.

**Overshadowed to the End **

How quickly we forget Ophelia's remarkable, yet tragic life – homeschooled nerd becomes instant celebrity, only to die tragically. As a teen, she stayed hidden from the media frenzy behind her father, Polonius, a Danish Lord, until she made front page news dating Prince Hamlet before he went goth and became the royal family's bad boy. Their on again, off again relationship ended around the same time of her father's mysterious murder at Elsinore castle, which seemed to be too much for the sheltered girl. She was in and out of rehab and placed on several medications. The most cringe-worthy part of her downward spiral came with her self-released hip-hop single, "Love me whenever, wherever." Critics didn't know what to make of the sexually explicit song, while her fans were left equally confused.

Not long after, the police were pulling her drowned body from the river. Was it a suicide?

"The poor girl didn't even realize she was in danger," said Queen Gertrude at the police inquest. "She just kept singing and singing that awful song. I don't even think she tried to swim. But to be fair, she was heavily medicated. It was nobody's fault."

Church fathers were far less understanding. Citing the passive way Ophelia "let herself drowned," they ruled her death a suicide. Ophelia's fans protested vehemently in social media, saying that she had the right to be buried in a church and given her rites, so that she doesn't spend eternity in purgatory.

The controversy raged for weeks until Laertes's lawyers announced that a compromise had been reached with the church. The family had been granted permission to have a funeral in the churchyard and begged for the media to respect their privacy during this emotionally difficult time.

**The Funeral Turns Ugly**

As Elsinore's famous and powerful arrived in a long procession at the small churchyard, heart-broken fans and the paparazzi gathered outside the front gate. The lucky few who managed to get a glimpse of the funeral say it was well worth the bruises.

Queen Gertrude sported a dazzling Oliver De La Rodgers original gown, in spite of the gray and chilly day. The beautiful dress with diving neckline went to waste because the priest was finished with the ceremony after only a minute.

Details are sketchy, but a friend of the family at the funeral says that Laertes argued with the priest at the end of the service, demanding at least a requiem mass be sung for his sister.

The priest put up his hands, saying, "I've done enough already. Ophelia shouldn't even be buried here to begin with."

"She's an angel!" cried Laertes. "You can go to hell."

He was so upset he jumped into the grave to say good-bye one last time to his sister. Was this just a stunt to win favor with the public who largely blamed him for interfering with Ophelia's relationship with Hamlet? Our source says that Laertes was not putting on an act, even if he had been an overly-protective and meddlesome brother.

A happy surprise turned into a scandal when Hamlet made a fashionably late appearance at the funeral (apparently taking a break from his stint in rehab in England). Onlookers remarked at how the Prince looked more mature and down to earth compared to his former moody self. The death-obsessed college student who was unable to follow through on anything seemed a changed man; changed more than anyone could have guessed.

Without warning, Hamlet jumped into the grave. He proclaimed for first time in public that he loved Ophelia, even more than Laertes could love her. Whatever goodwill Laertes had earned that day was quickly dashed. He choked Hamlet, arguing that he loved Ophelia more. Queen Gertrude and King Claudius, our source says, were horrified.

Ophelia must have felt crowded in her grave with two of Denmark's hottest stars standing on her coffin fighting over her.

So what about Ophelia? Overlooked and babied in life, literally stepped on in death. She met a tragic end because the men in her life gave too little, too late while her hasty funeral turned into fodder for tabloids.

Poor Ophelia. If she made it to heaven, it was a bumpy, fast ride.


End file.
